Nursing School Application Essay Rewrite
5 years, 5 months ago Posted in: Blog, Featured 0

Why have you chosen a career in the healthcare industry?  (750 words or less)

The student’s original application essay can be found at Essay Forum.

“How very little can be done under the spirit of fear.” ~ Florence Nightengale.

For me, choosing to be a part of the nursing profession was not as easy as it may have been for others. I am not the daughter or granddaughter of a nurse.  My mother was a corporate executive, and my father Chief of Police. I knew I wanted to walk my own path, but I wasn’t certain what that was. When I entered the workforce, I didn’t follow my dreams; I simply followed familiar steps. For many years I wanted to pursue a career in the medical field, but fear held me back. True to Florence Nightengale’s quote, I realized while I may be excelling at what I was doing, I was doing very little for myself because of that fear.

I spent 12 years working for a surgical microscope company. I was attracted to the position because of the energetic environment it provided and because it was an outlet for my interest in the medical field. During my time with this company, I often found myself in company training rooms watching our sales and service personnel prepare equipment for surgery and train surgeons and nurses. I truly admired all who worked in the medical field, not only for the care they provided, but because the environment they worked in was challenging and dynamic. My work gave me the opportunity to interact with some of the best surgeons and nurses at the most prestigious hospitals in the nation. My lack of education and confidence continued to make these roles feel out of reach for me. When the opportunity presented itself, I decided to take a break from the corporate culture and spend some time at home being a full time mother.

For two and a half years I stayed home and spent my free time volunteering in our public school district and at our church, serving on the PTO, running a youth wrestling club, and helping to start a backpack program in our elementary schools. Those experiences offered endless amounts of reward. In 2010 my youngest children were ready to enter kindergarten, and it was time for me to reenter the workforce. I decided I was finally ready to chase my dreams. Determination, ambition, and a certain level of competitiveness rewarded me with advancements in my personal and professional life, but I knew it was time to take a leap of faith. At this stage I had gained the confidence to reenter school and pursue my passion for nursing.

One quality that I love about nursing is that it is a lifelong learning process. I am excited to have the opportunity to educate myself and others and to witness the progress that our scientific and medical communities continually make while impacting the lives and experiences of patients and families along the way. This potential for continuous learning and development is what will keep me passionate about nursing for years to come.

A career in nursing offers more than a good salary. It also means bringing added value to my community, having a new appreciation for life, getting the chance to witness miracles, being more aware of my own health, and having a profession which will allow me to do what I love anywhere I go, an important advantage in today’s mobile society. Finally, nursing will allow me to utilize my diverse skills and experiences while satisfying my individual ambitions. When I explore where my passions lie, where I imagine myself being most effective and fulfilled, I see myself in the nursing field. I know it is time to pursue my ambitions.

The following changes improved this college admissions essay:

•    In the intro, it’s fine to talk about your family history.  However, don’t get bogged down in the details about other family members.  This essay is about you.
•    This piece had many punctuation errors.  Always have someone edit your work before you turn it in with your application.  Fairly or not, punctuation errors affect the reader’s perception of your intelligence.
•    Stay away from phrases like “rat race.”  While this is perfectly acceptable in casual speech, it has a negative connotation.  In this case, it seems to belittle the writer’s previous experience in the corporate world.  Instead, she should focus on how that experience makes her a better student.
•    Words like “thus” are too formal and archaic and create distance between the writer and the reader.  Stick to professional language, but don’t be too formal.

About eric

Eric Anderson is a Wesley Chapel, Florida-based English and history tutor. He has been helping students with college admission essays for many years. He works with a team of writers who have a track record of earning students admission to some of the top schools in the United States. Students he has helped have earned admission to University of Florida, FSU Honors College, Emory University, University of South Florida Honors College, and many other top schools. Contact him directly for prompt help with your college admission essay at 813.787.8959.

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