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Nursing School Application Essay Rewrite
3 years, 6 months ago Posted in: Blog, Featured 3

Why have you chosen a career in the healthcare industry?  (750 words or less)

The student’s original application essay can be found at Essay Forum.

“How very little can be done under the spirit of fear.” ~ Florence Nightengale.

For me, choosing to be a part of the nursing profession was not as easy as it may have been for others. I am not the daughter or granddaughter of a nurse.  My mother was a corporate executive, and my father Chief of Police. I knew I wanted to walk my own path, but I wasn’t certain what that was. When I entered the workforce, I didn’t follow my dreams; I simply followed familiar steps. For many years I wanted to pursue a career in the medical field, but fear held me back. True to Florence Nightengale’s quote, I realized while I may be excelling at what I was doing, I was doing very little for myself because of that fear.

I spent 12 years working for a surgical microscope company. I was attracted to the position because of the energetic environment it provided and because it was an outlet for my interest in the medical field. During my time with this company, I often found myself in company training rooms watching our sales and service personnel prepare equipment for surgery and train surgeons and nurses. I truly admired all who worked in the medical field, not only for the care they provided, but because the environment they worked in was challenging and dynamic. My work gave me the opportunity to interact with some of the best surgeons and nurses at the most prestigious hospitals in the nation. My lack of education and confidence continued to make these roles feel out of reach for me. When the opportunity presented itself, I decided to take a break from the corporate culture and spend some time at home being a full time mother.

For two and a half years I stayed home and spent my free time volunteering in our public school district and at our church, serving on the PTO, running a youth wrestling club, and helping to start a backpack program in our elementary schools. Those experiences offered endless amounts of reward. In 2010 my youngest children were ready to enter kindergarten, and it was time for me to reenter the workforce. I decided I was finally ready to chase my dreams. Determination, ambition, and a certain level of competitiveness rewarded me with advancements in my personal and professional life, but I knew it was time to take a leap of faith. At this stage I had gained the confidence to reenter school and pursue my passion for nursing.

One quality that I love about nursing is that it is a lifelong learning process. I am excited to have the opportunity to educate myself and others and to witness the progress that our scientific and medical communities continually make while impacting the lives and experiences of patients and families along the way. This potential for continuous learning and development is what will keep me passionate about nursing for years to come.

A career in nursing offers more than a good salary. It also means bringing added value to my community, having a new appreciation for life, getting the chance to witness miracles, being more aware of my own health, and having a profession which will allow me to do what I love anywhere I go, an important advantage in today’s mobile society. Finally, nursing will allow me to utilize my diverse skills and experiences while satisfying my individual ambitions. When I explore where my passions lie, where I imagine myself being most effective and fulfilled, I see myself in the nursing field. I know it is time to pursue my ambitions.

The following changes improved this college admissions essay:

•    In the intro, it’s fine to talk about your family history.  However, don’t get bogged down in the details about other family members.  This essay is about you.
•    This piece had many punctuation errors.  Always have someone edit your work before you turn it in with your application.  Fairly or not, punctuation errors affect the reader’s perception of your intelligence.
•    Stay away from phrases like “rat race.”  While this is perfectly acceptable in casual speech, it has a negative connotation.  In this case, it seems to belittle the writer’s previous experience in the corporate world.  Instead, she should focus on how that experience makes her a better student.
•    Words like “thus” are too formal and archaic and create distance between the writer and the reader.  Stick to professional language, but don’t be too formal.

About eric

Eric Anderson is a Wesley Chapel, Florida-based English and history tutor. He has been helping students with college admission essays for many years. He works with a team of writers who have a track record of earning students admission to some of the top schools in the United States. Students he has helped have earned admission to University of Florida, FSU Honors College, Emory University, University of South Florida Honors College, and many other top schools. Contact him directly for prompt help with your college admission essay at 813.787.8959.

3 Responses

  1. Natasha Fernandez says:

    Admission Essay
    By
    Natasha Fernandez

    I believe my nursing philosophy started forming at a young age. I remember longing to grow up so I could wear the white uniforms and caps that I saw nurses were with such pride. Over the years, my idea of what a nurse was changed, I began to understand that a nurse was not just a person in a uniform, but an individual that could make a difference in another person’s life by simply showing love and support to another human being along with competent care. By becoming a nurse I knew that every day I could help others in a meaningful way.
    My parents supported me in my desires to study, and with their help I was able to move to United States at the age of 17 to pursue my dream. First to learn the language and then continue with my plans to get into the field of nursing. Prior to my arrival to the States, I thought everything would be nice and easy, but it did not turn out that way. Life was difficult at the beginning, since I had to learn a new language, and I needed to adapt to a new culture and customs. It took me several years to get adjusted to this new way of living, but the entire experience actually helped me to make the changes from a dependent teenager to a confident and responsible young adult.
    While in school I met and married my husband, raised a family, and learned to call it home. I first became a medical assistant which gave me the opportunity to experience caring for others and getting involved in the community. I continue my studies and slowly moved up in the medical field where eventually, in 1993 I became a registered nurse. I started working in the medical-surgical floor where I learned and practice the principals of nursing and a year after I was ready for my next challenge. I applied and transferred to the Critical Care Unit where I found my home for the next 17 years.
    As time passed and I became more comfortable with my nursing skills, I noticed how my focus started to shift, from trying to be the best nurse in the Unit to becoming the best nurse for my patient, not only providing physical care but by offering more of who I am and believe in. I learned that by maintaining a positive environment and creating a trusting relationship with my patients, where they could feel free to express their emotional and spiritual concerns, I had significantly impacted their recovery in a positive way. I learned to treasure their welcome smiles in the morning and them asking me if I was coming back the next day. This feeling of connection and getting to know my patients at a more personal and deeper level, filled my heart and gave me a sense of purpose. It is mind boggling to think how many lives we touch throughout our careers! We are truly members of a very unique profession.
    After many experiences that have tested me throughout my life, I have come to the conclusion that the purpose of adversity is to teach me and make me stronger. If we are never challenged, we cannot grow spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Having to end my marriage of 11 years was a very painful experience for all the family, but I firmly believe that each person who comes into our life, whether for a brief moment or for years and years, does so for a reason. I try to focus on asking myself specific questions and try to understand my divorce through the lens of grace. Thanks to this experience I have realized the importance of continuing education and growing professionally, learning to trust myself more and at the same time teach my children the same message by example.
    God works in mysterious ways, going back to school to finish my bachelorium has helped me to realize what a wonderful career I am engaged in, learning how many challenges nurses have overcome throughout the years to bring nursing to higher level, has created a higher sense of pride of who I am and how I can myself be part of this professional growth. I am seeing my career with different eyes and a more promising future. Nursing is the place where I can give all that I am and also receive the satisfaction of making a difference in someone’s life.
    One quality that I love about nursing now is that it is a lifelong learning process. This potential for continuous learning and development is what will keep me passionate about nursing for years to come. It offers more than a good salary. It also means bringing added value to my community, having a new positive aspiration for life, getting the chance to witness miracles, being more aware of my own health, and having a profession with the flexibility to allow me to do what I love anywhere I go, an important advantage in today’s mobile society. I feel more confident and capable of being able to reach any goal I set my mind in. Life challenges have help me build perseverance and a self-reliant attitude towards life that gives me the conviction that God has provided me with everything I need to reach my goals and overcome adversity. It only take pushing myself out of my comfort zone and create new opportunities in my life.

  2. Jamilia Buah says:

    Dear Emory:
    In 2018, I would like to attend your college as a future RN. I am only 12 years old ,turning 13 in October. I would love a full free scholarship because right now money is tight.

    • eric says:

      Hi, Jamilia, It does not hurt to start thinking about college early, especially if money is tight. Emory is a wonderful school. Study hard! Come on back here a little closer to application time, and I will be glad to help you with your essays. Eric

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